Giving Support: What to say, and 10 things not to say.
As far as what specifically to say, the best thing is, "I'm sorry for
your loss." It is never too late to offer your condolences, be it a
week, month or even years later. Most people avoid women who have had a
loss because they think she needs her space, or doesn't want to talk
about it. In fact, while there are many who keep it to themselves, the
majority want to surround themselves with supportive friends and family
members. Most women who have had a loss want to talk about it, but
their friends keep their distance. There's a saying that says when
you've had a loss, friends become strangers and strangers become
friends. It is so true.
When talking to her, say the baby's name if he/she had one. Another
saying goes, "The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my
face, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you are really
my friend, let me hear the sweet sound of her name. It soothes my
broken heart and sings to my soul."
Sympathize, and let her know she has your support. Talk about the baby,
it was real, whether she saw it or not. Ask her if she wants to get
anything off her chest. Ask if she received any mementos, and if so,
talk about those. If the baby has a funeral, go. It may be upsetting to
you, but it is far worse for the parents, and your support means a lot.
Cry with her, she will shed many tears for a long time.
These are just a few suggestions on what to say and do for support.
Just try to avoid clichés that imply the baby is better off, that there
was something wrong with him, or that "God needed an angel."
10 Things You Should Never Say
to a Grieving Parent
"It was God's will."
"It's better that it happened now than (insert days, months, years)
from now." or "At least you weren't further along." If it happened X
days, months, years from now, we as parents would have more cherished
moments and memories. Dr. Seuss said it best, "A person is a person, no
matter how small."
"At least you didn't get to know the child." As a mother, you get to
know your child while he/she is inside you. A special bond has formed
since conception. A mother feels the baby inside her, and often, the
father and other families will be able to feel the baby on the outside.
The mother "knows" her baby's sleep schedule, what he or she likes to
eat, and most of all, can feel movements.
"There was probably something wrong with [the baby]." It doesn't
matter! We, as parents, would love our babies unconditionally.
"You're young, you can have another baby." That may be true, but no
baby will replace the one we've lost.
"I understand how you feel. My grandpa/aunt/cousin/dog/cat/bird died
last month." There is no comparison to losing a child, none of these
remotely touch it. A saying goes, "When you lose your parent, you lose
your past. When you lose your child, you lose your future."
"You have to be strong." Do we have a choice?
"At least you didn't have to bring her/him home." We would have loved
to bring our baby home. The more time, the better.
"Now you have an angel in heaven." It would be so much better to have
an angel on Earth.
"If you don't dwell on it, you'll feel a lot better." Actually, thinking about our lost children does make us feel good. It makes us feel even better when somebody else acknowledges our children.