Letter From A Grieving Mother
Dear Friend,
Someone very special to you has just experienced the
death of a precious child. This is an extremely difficult situation
because most people never expect a child to die and after the initial
grief, they do not know how to interact with the grieving parent. As a
parent whose baby recently died, I would like to mention some thing
that might make the situation easier for you and the grieving parent:
Realize that saying "I'm sorry" at any time after a
baby has died is never inappropriate or too late.
Understand that the length of time a baby is carried or
the amount of time a child lives does not determine its value or the
impact that the child has on the parent's lives. To ignore what has
happened in hopes that the grief will pass is to diminish the worth of
a child that was loved from the time of the awareness of it's existence
long before it's birth.
Realize that just as no one can replace a mother who
dies, a new baby cannot replace a child who has died. All children are
individuals, conceived separately, born separately, and loved
separately. It is no different with a child that dies before, during,
or shortly after birth. A parent cannot and should not be expected to
"save" the love they have for their dead child to give to the next
child. The ability to create another baby is not a way to resurrect a
dead child, therefore, it should not be thought of a complete comfort.
Not only unfair to the dead child, but it makes the next child a
substitute.
If you are uncomfortable about discussing the death of
the child with the parents because you think they won't want to talk
about it, don't shy away. Simply say something like, "I just want you
to know that I want to listen if you need to talk." If they don't want
to talk at that time, don't assume that they never want to talk.
Call frequently to ask how the parent is adjusting. If
you live close to the parents, take the initiative to get together for
lunch or some sporting activity (offer frequently, but don't force it.)
Let the parents set the pace but show them constantly that you are open
and interested. It may be horrifying for you to hear some details of
the death, but it is much worse for the parents to experience the
trauma and then have to keep it to themselves because they know it will
be hard on you. When they tell you how they feel, refrain from making
judgments and setting time tables.
Realize that a child is still the product of the
parents' love and the joy of their lives. There is joy and pain. The
joy doesn't end when the child dies, and the pain doesn't end as soon
as the funeral is over and the cards are sent - accept both. Don't try
to take the pain away. Parents need to feel it, hard as it is to see
their pain, they need to grieve.
If the child had a name, use it. Try to remember the
parents with a note or a phone call on their first Mother's Day or
Father's Day, as well as the baby's predicted due date and the first
year anniversary of the child's birth and death (even the first few
monthly anniversaries.)
Finally, if I can convey one thing to you in hopes it
will make a difference, it is this: please make an effort not to
underestimate the depth of the pain, the length of the grief, and most
importantly, the difference your support and involvement can make
during this painful adjustment. There may not be any other time when
you are needed more than now.
If you distance yourself because you're uncomfortable
until you think a reasonable amount of time has passed, you may find a
different kind of distance and hurt between yourself and the grieving
parent. If you share the experience, everyone will come out of it
stronger.
Praying that God will guide and strengthen you,
A Mother