If Your Child Were In
Pheonix
By Lisa Rebman
The Memories of Mariam Project
http://www.memoriesofmariam.com
If your child were in Phoenix, would you still hang his stocking on the mantle
at Christmas time? Though he can't be with you physically this holiday season,
he is with you in spirit. As you hang the other stockings you think of him,
hoping you'll be together again soon. You may even put a few stocking stuffers
inside; you'll save them for later.
If your child were in Boston, would his photo still hang on the wall? You
haven't seen him for quite some time and are looking forward to seeing him soon.
He missed the last family photo session, so there is one person missing in the
portrait. It's okay though, you have other photos of him and he was there in you
heart.
If your child were in Denver, would you think of him at the end of the day? Your
day has been hectic, and you could sure use a hug. A phone call wouldn't do, as
he also has a busy schedule. A tear may be shed because you miss him so much.
He's been away for too long.
If your child were in Chicago, would you put away his things? They are just a
reminder of his being away from home. Would you clean out his bedroom, shut the
door and never reopen it?
If your child were in Memphis, would you stop talking about him to your friends?
Maybe some people would want you to, because they think it makes you sad. What
you really want is someone to lean on, to share happy memories with until you
are reunited.
If your child were in Seattle, would you be expected to replace him? Some people
might try to get you to "be grateful for what you have." What they don't realize
is that you are grateful, but you miss your son terribly. They don’t know that
nothing will replace him, and that gratefulness and longing can coincide.
If your child were in Heaven, would you still hang his stocking on the mantle?
Would you leave his photo on the wall, think of him throughout the day, or hide
his things? Would you stop talking about him or try to replace him?
As I listened to a pastor ask a similar question recently, I felt inspired to
pursue the question, “If your child were in Phoenix, would you still hang his
stocking?” Of course you would. Just because your child is not with you, does
not make him any less your child. He is just away from you for awhile, though he
is there in your heart. You carry him there until you meet again. You don’t
forget about him, and you don’t pretend he doesn’t exist. The same goes for the
death of a child, no matter if he died in utero, during infancy or beyond.
Bereaved parents hang on to these things. Memories and photographs become
precious, and would often like to be shared. Sometimes people say inconsiderate
things, when they mean well. What they should know is that the things often make
the situation worse.
"It was God's will."
"It's better that it happened now than (insert days, months, years) from now."
or "At least you weren't further along." If it happened X days, months, years
from now, we as parents would have more cherished moments and memories. Dr.
Suess said it best, "A person is a person, no matter how small."
"At least you didn't get to know the child." As a mother, you get to know your
child while he/she is inside you. A special bond has formed since conception. A
mother feels the baby inside her, and often, the father and other families will
be able to feel the baby on the outside. The mother "knows" her baby's sleep
schedule, what he or she likes to eat, and most of all, can feel movements.
"There was probably something wrong with [the baby]." It doesn't matter! We, as
parents, would love our babies unconditionally.
"You're young, you can have another baby." That may be true, but no baby will
replace the one we've lost. Some of us may have tried for this baby for years,
struggling with infertility.
"I understand how you feel. My grandpa/aunt/cousin/dog/cat/bird died last
month." There is no comparison to losing a child, none of these remotely touch
it. A saying goes, "When you lose your parent, you lose your past. When you lose
your child, you lose your future."
"You have to be strong." Do we have a choice?
"At least you didn't have to bring her/him home." We would have loved to bring
our baby home. The more time, the better.
"Now you have an angel in heaven." It would be so much better to have an angel
on Earth.
"If you don't dwell on it, you'll feel a lot better." Actually, thinking about
our lost children does make us feel good. It makes us feel even better when
somebody else acknowledges our children.
As far as what specifically to say, the best thing is, "I'm sorry for your
loss." It is never too late to offer your condolences, be it a week, month or
even years later. Most people avoid women who have had a loss because they think
she needs her space, or doesn't want to talk about it. In fact, while there are
many who keep it to themselves, the majority want to surround themselves with
supportive friends and family members. Most women who have had a loss want to
talk about it, but their friends keep their distance. There's a saying that says
when you've had a loss, friends become strangers and strangers become friends.
It is so true.
When talking to her, say the baby's name if he/she had one. Another saying goes,
"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my face, but it never fails
to bring music to my ears. If you are really my friend, let me hear the sweet
sound of her name. It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."
Sympathize, and let her know she has your support. Talk about the baby, it was
real, whether she saw it or not. Ask her if she wants to get anything off her
chest. Ask if she received any mementos, and if so, talk about those. If the
baby has a funeral, go. It may be upsetting to you, but it is far worse for the
parents, and your support means a lot. Cry with her, she will shed many tears
for a long time.
These are just a few suggestions on what to say and do for support. Just try to
avoid cliches that imply the baby is better off, that there was something wrong
with him, or that "God needed an angel."